Back in the day when my kids were young and they actually wanted to spend time with me we used to watch a lot of different stuff on tv. There was a line from one of the characters’ mouths that I still find myself chuckling over. I don’t know… they were a couple of mice or something.

“What are we going to do today, Brain?” asked the larger, dimwitted one.

“Same thing we do everyday, Pinkie,” came the standard response from the smaller, older, somewhat evil-appearing rodent. “Try to take over the world !”

I can relate. Not the taking over the world part. I never did have much ambition and all I ever strived for was to keep earning my good-enough living. And who wants the trouble and stress of trying to control any other creature anyway? I even hate putting my dog on a leash.

These days when my daughter is home and if she’s actually up after working late at her serving job (what we used to call waitressing) she often asks me what my plans are for the day. “Same thing I do every day,” is inevitably my answer. We both laugh on cue. “Drink coffee, read the paper, go to the gym and grocery shop, then play hockey and have a couple of libations while watching a couple of sports-talk shows.” Sometimes I’m criticized for having a couple wander into the territory of having a few. To get myself worked up I might watch part of the news. I can’t stand the full hour anymore. Then I watch sports at night and read during commercials.

Every… single… freakin’ day.

To sum myself up yours’ truly wouldn’t even need an obituary. A small gravestone would do the job.

Rink Rat

Bookworm

Gym Rat

Wine Rat

That’s it. That’s all.

And it’s not as if I’ve just morphed into a boring old man in my twilight years. When I began teaching in 1981 I would make myself tuna sandwiches for lunch every day for four years straight. Oh…once every two weeks the school would have a fundraiser and sell potato chips out of a small supply-room closet. I would buy a bag. I think there was a choice between ‘regular’ and ‘bbq.’ You guessed it; I always chose ‘regular.’ What did I eat after those first four years you must surely be wondering ?

I switched to salmon sandwiches.

Oh. I forgot to mention something else that is also a part of my daily routine. I walk my dog every morning. He’s going on 17 years old. That makes him about 112 years old in people years, just slightly older than I am. This has been my job for the almost twelve years that I’ve been retired. Sometimes just for a little excitement for the two of us I turn to the other direction as we’re leaving the driveway. My dog stops in his tracks and looks at me with a cold-eyed stare. Like, “What the fuck are you doing”?

That’s why we’re kindred spirits and best friends.

Okay… I can think of a fifth description that I can fit at the bottom of my gravestone.

Mr. Excitement.